i thought it too, i just didn’t say it because i'm not an attention seeker!!!!
Why I went crazy and stopped thinking all together + the things that have been making me happy (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)
Lately it feels like I have been repeatedly slapped across the face with life’s hardest hitting questions. Why did I over-line my lips so much when I was 17? Why did I get a tattoo of Pom Pom purin on a piece of toast? Why am I only just now realising I may be going through something? No, I don’t think it’s because my frontal lobe is developing. I’ve decided to never really rely on that happening for me. However, I could be convinced that I have simply, at long last, reached my breaking point.
I can no longer pile shit on top of shit, ignoring it all and hoping nothing really bad ever happens. It’s a trait that myself and Simon Biles have in common1. Well that alongside the fact that we are both the best of the best in our respective fields, hers being gymnastics and mine being sitting around on a hot day, plaid skirt on, plaits in my hair, sipping a cold can of cherry Coke, and getting soooo insanely pissed off by every little thing.
I’ve gotten good at living in mental chaos, but as much as I hate to admit it, my tendency to under-the-rug-ify shit has had a bigger impact on my wellbeing than I originally realised. Especially lately… just ask literally any person I’ve interacted with in the last 6-8 weeks. The lobotomy has been scheduled.
The first real clue that things in my brain may not be the way they ought to be, was my sudden disinterest in using the create feature on instagram to make close friends stories containing unnecessarily extensive insight to the inner workings of my mind. Usually, I struggle with bluntness and keeping my mouth shut. But my inability to just shut the fuck up when hurt has gotten me in trouble one too many times, and I’ve had to take a break. I apologise to anyone who has been personally attacked by this fatal flaw of mine but I don’t smoke cigarettes and I need some sort of outlet!
My vices (in sequence):
Drinking a can of cherry coke
Complaining about it to Stella or the boy courting me
Making myself look cute and taking a selfie
Blocking them
Posting about it on my instagram…
Other slightly more deranged options include; throwing their iPhone out the window, reporting them to the ATO for tax evasion, putting hair removal in their shampoo, and finally, waiting until they become a c list celebrity like gypsy rose - enough that they can make a living but not enough that they are invincible - and then getting them cancelled. Yeah, it’s not exactly a productive use of my time but it’s what I most often fantasise about.
While I don’t think I’d ever act on these fantasies (rotten fruit falls on its own), the loss of my beloved Instagram stories means that the impulse to do so is steadily increasing. I do, truthfully, need something to funnel all of my feelings into because my whole life I have been far too passionate and cared far too much about things, big or small. If I was born 80 years earlier I would have for sure been institutionalised for letting my womanly emotions disrupt and destruct so often. I honestly don’t think I’m that far off it right now, so the fact that I haven’t felt up to sharing the anecdotes of my life is a remarkably bad sign of the direction the river is flowing and the place I’m spiralling to.
I’ve tried to convince myself that I have simply outgrown my attention seeking tendencies, and matured enough that I don’t need to say it anymore. But I know deep down that this is not the case. Rather, my issue is that I’m too preoccupied with my fits of hatred to find the time to put my feelings into words and have been bottling it all up instead.
It goes beyond just posts too, this stream of anger has made even thinking feel like an impossible burden. Perhaps it's because it’s too overwhelming, or because I know that overthinking will only lead to more anger or sadness that I’ll end up brooding over for weeks. This happened recently when someone I once considered a friend posted on Instagram with a caption featuring the hashtag #Lovergirl. My initial reaction (after laughing at the irony of her self-label) was anger, followed by a painful reflection on why she didn’t embrace her “lover girl” persona during the final days of our friendship… or literally at any point in time at all. I realize that dwelling on this and harbouring ill will isn’t healthy. I know calling the tax office on someone just because they hurt my feelings is petty. I know I need to dig deep into my heart and just let it go. Even if that means tuning everything out for a while2. So, I’ve erased all the lines in my head that I would usually sit and spend hours tracing and un-tracing, determined to understand myself and everyone around me, and just let it be.
Tomorrow morning I will wake up and exist and just not care! I will try to move through my days without any anger, resentment, or evil revenge plots brewing. #lovergirl!3
After making the decision to stop thinking and start living in blissful ignorance, I began wondering if I would ever make another one of these posts. While it’s true that I’m tired of reshaping every thought to the point of losing touch, I still feel a desire to share some of the lighter things in my life. There is usually joy to be found even when things feel heavy and scary. Sometimes it just takes a little time to find it and understand it for what it is. In fact, writing down the things that have made me happy recently has been what’s kept me sane, so I think I’m ready to share the simple joys of the past month and a half. The upsides! It’s cluttering my brain, and it’s time to release it all out into the wild.
This is some of the sweeter things I’ve seen and feelings I’ve felt lately, as concisely as possible!!
My pipi longstocking obsession
I don’t really know why, but lately I’ve been really leaning into pipi longstocking as the messiah of my teeny girl world. She’s just so cool, and I too was born with red hair that sticks up when plaited and the inexplicable ability to lift a horse over my head, so I have a personal connection with her. She’s my twin and the princess of my brain and I need to start dressing like her asap.
Balm dotcom lost its cool
The very moment I found out Mecca started stocking glossier i thought of one particular girl that I used to know and wondered if her world shattered when she heard the news. I mean, it’s one thing for glossier to ship to Australia, but to be stocked in Mecca? Rest in peace to anyone who once relied on birthday cake flavoured balm Dotcom to seem well-traveled, or unique in any way. Your time will come, and you shall relish in the rewards of your individuality once more. Maybe try out Rhode beauty?
The music keeping me sane right now
Last week I was listening to Phone Call from the soundtrack from The Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and remembered how much I love that movie and how much I love the music in that movie. I’ve always favourably disposed towards movie soundtracks, going all the way back to Randy Newman and Pixar. From there, musicals were my thing. These days I think I’ve finally got a regular, well-rounded music taste. Here our some of my other favourites songs at the moment:
See you soon (beabadoobee) - this song makes me cry like a baby all of the time, but especially lately. Lately I’ve been going through more change at once than I can ever remember experiencing, and the sentiment of “I need space but I’m sure I’ll see you soon and everything will be ok” has been particularly moving.
I feel the Earth move (carol king) - when I was 12 or so my dad bought me my first record; Tapestry by Carol King. The first of many delightful songs on this album is this one. It opened up my world in some ways, and 70s singer songwriters are some of my favourite to listen to still. I love it.
Breaking news (flowerovlove) - pop music resurrection! Nothing much else to say.
Cherry cola (Devon Again) - pop music has resurrection! This chorus is perfect.
Anthems for a 17-year-old girl (broken social scene) - The first time I heard this song I was sitting in the back seat of a car, trying to hide how emotional it made me. Every time I hear it I feel the same as I did in the back of that car. There is something about being 17, and the way I will never be it again and somehow still feel it forever that always chokes me up.
Charm (Clairo) - this isn’t a song, but I cant quite pick one. This entireeee album is just so good. The 70s charm. Perhaps Terrapin is my favourite, although I love the mouth trumpet in Juna (mouth trumpet has been my party trick since I was 12). Just overall really really good.
A woman’s birth right to pose with a sword
Early July myself and two of my friends, Amelie and Stella, went to the medieval fair. I have wanted to attend in the past but never got around to actually buying the ticket. This year I got lucky when a friend of a friend decided to sell hers, and with a weeks notice I had my ticket! We wore elf ears and ate candy apples. It felt like a fun childhood activity I would have begged my mum to let me do, except i’m 21 years old. I think that childlike joy may be a testament to the friends I went with more than anything else.
Truthfully, I crave both a silly giddiness and deep emotional care within my friendships. It is rarer to find than one might think, but I believe it lives within Stella and Amelie. I’m sure they will read this so… thank you for letting me into your orbit, and I hope you let me stay!
Lizzy McAlpine concert aka my cosmic treat
This concert was the highlight of… I don’t even know maybe my entire year thus far? I love Lizzy McAlpine, and I’ve loved her for years. She was so great and hearing her live felt like my cosmic treat amidst the chaos. I considered adding a song off of her recent album to my list of favourite songs above, because to be honest it is what I’ve listened most to this year. But, I think she deserves her own mention. This this concert felt very important for my soul and I am very grateful I got to attend.
My iPad <3
I got an iPad and I loveee it. The prophecy has been fulfilled and I am finally fit to possess the username chaipadbaby2003 (to clarify, it is chai iPad baby… duh). This is my first return to iPad ownership since my iPad mini in 2012, and I’m having so much fun taking mirror selfies with this big clunky thing, and downloading a shit ton of games that I play before bed with the passion and intensity comparable to that of a Candy Crush-addicted aunt.
God created the earth in seven days and on the eighth day he created the block button just for me
My decision to cut people off has somewhat snowballed into distancing myself from people that do as little as make me upset. Hence, my new found love for the block button. There is something extremely liberating about knowing I have the power to entirely remove a person from my life just by pressing one little button. Like zapping my finger and suddenly they’re gone. I use it very generously, and have been met with a few blocks in response too.
I was blocked on Tik Tok, a fairly predictable choice, but I’ve also received a block on Substack if you can believe. While slightly odd considering I barely know the blocker, it is the most fascinating way someone’s distaste for me has ever been expressed. I respect it. I wonder if she regularly unblocks to check if I’ve posted? I know I would, it’s one of the benefits of blocking first. You suddenly have all of the power to decide whether or not you will exist in the same spaces online, which can be both beneficial and frightful- all of your decisions are your own to regret. Blocking is final, like a despairing farewell, and while I am grateful such a feature exists, it is a sad way to once and for all say goodbye to someone you once cared for.
To be honest, writing this is giving me a crazy headache. I think it’s because my vision is so poor and I have to squint so much to see the letters as I type. But there’s no way you’re going to trick me into wearing my glasses right now. They sit crooked on my face, and I just know everyone at the library will look at me funny. So, it seems best to wrap this up with some sort of conclusion
I have faith that soon it will once again feel natural to turn my chaotic jumble of thoughts into something meaningful, or at the very least coherent. I just need to be persistent… and make sure I show up to therapy. Perhaps once I am processing things in a way that is healthy I will start posting stupid diaristic writing online again, and I will reign over Substack with a band of loyal followers!!! I fully expect to become annoyingly prolific in the process, and it will feel surprisingly effortless. It’s just in my nature to scrape the bottom of the hypothetical barrel, attempting to make sense of every thought I have for the sake of making something meaningful out of it.
So goodbye for now, and in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)
duh I’ve been watching the Olympics like a middle aged mother who used to do gymnastics and could have had potential and now holds onto that dream by incessantly watching once every four years
If I was trained in “psychiatric surgery” I would probably utilise it right now.
I should clarify that I’ve been writing this post for some time, and that my desire to react to this situation in any way at all has subsided significantly. I still included all of this rambling because it’s the honest explanation as to why I havent felt myself lately!!